B: “Yes, lets see- lets have the young person in the blue checkered shirt there, please. Yes, you right there. What’s your question, please?”
Q: [inaudible]
B: “Sorry, the mic didn’t quite pick that up. You’ll have to hold it quite close, closer than you think.”
Q: [mic noises] “Sorry, my qu-“
B: “Its perfectly fine, no problem. Your question?”
Q: [laughs] “Thank you, sorry. My questions is: why are you doing this?”
B: “‘Why am I doing this?’ is that the question?”
Q: [mic noises] “-yes, thank you”
B: “Alright, thank you very much- ‘why am I doing this’ very good question. Thank you.
Well the short answer is I don’t know. My goal isn’t to create a database of items and files. I don’t want to invest time in making my work discoverable in any way, much less searchable. I mean, shit, I don’t really even want anyone to read any of it at this point. I don’t think that other people can provide whatever it is that I want to get out of this. But that is the root of the question: what DO I want to get out of this.
Then again, maybe that’s also the answer. Maybe I’m doing this to discover why I’m doing this. Doesn’t make sense when you say it, or when you live it. It is a puzzle that makes no sense when you are inside of it. Only when you reach the end of the maze can you look back and understand it as a whole, and the path you took through it.
And the terrifying thought just occurs to me: what if I never get out of it? Just spend my life wandering around this maze, alternately having faith that my decisions will lead me out of it and losing hope- struggling to force my way out. But in the end its just a little too big, the walls a little too imposing. And I die in here without ever finding the freedom of life outside the maze. Without ever being able to look back at the place where I spent my life struggling and know that I am through it.
I’ve spent so much of my life inside my head. And I know that I will spend so much more of it the same way.
I think. I don’t want to die without exploring these paths and finding out how far they go, how they wind and divide and intersect. I want to get to know my branching paths. My dead ends and my long corridors…
I guess- I guess that’s why I’m doing this. I’m exploring. Mapping. If I’m going to be spending my life in here, I’d like to get the lay of the land at least. Familiarize myself with myself. Maybe find some favorite places in the maze. Places where I can sit and rest and find some temporary peace in my explorations. And maybe, even, that will help me find my way forward, too. I’ll find bridges and courtyards and statues in this maze that will help me gain a better sense of things. Where I can look out, not at the maze as a whole, but at least one little corner of it.
On second thought, maybe that idea isn’t quite as terrifying as it seems.
Sorry- so, I guess, that is your answer, if you’re satisfied with it. That is why I’m doing this.
That and the fact that I really can’t do anything else, but that is really a different question.” [laughs]
Q: [laughs] “No, that was great, thank you”
B: “Thank you.
I think we have time for one more question?”